We said goodbye to our first little pup this morning, though she is an old girl now (10 this past January). She has been sick for a few months, in kidney failure, but really took a turn for the worst this past Thursday not being able to walk anymore ... by Saturday night she couldn't even lift her head, looking limp and lifeless except for her slow breathing. We did all we could to keep her comfortable, and made sure she didn't feel alone to go through her last days with lots of snuggles and petting and privileges she normally wouldn't get like sitting on the sofa watching a movie with us. Sunday morning when we got up, we found that she never woke up from the night before. That is a truly devastating feeling to know she was alive when we went to bed (she slept in our room) and wake up and she's gone.
I never thought that I would be this emotional over a dog, especially since both of our dogs get less attention now than before the boys were born. Perhaps I take them for granted, and now that one is gone I realize that even in absence of regular play time with them my heart still loves them dearly. Laney was a part of our life for 10 years, almost exactly in fact. We adopted her in March of 2003, 3 weeks before our wedding, and now here we are three weeks before our 10 year wedding anniversary.
Laney was such a unique dog and we have countless stories about her endless antics. Some people can't believe all of the things Laney got into, like scaling a 6 foot fence without even a thought, jumping out of a car window while the car was still moving or escaping from various enclosures which to this day baffle us. She was a strange combination of sweet and salty, so incredibly loving towards any person but extremely discerning in her liking of any other dog. This led to some challenges in being her "parents" to always safeguard her and other dogs from her aggressive behavior, which was complicated by the perception of her breed. It was not easy to be Laney's owner, but I realize that is part of why I love her so much and why I miss her so much. Nobody would have given Laney the love we did, most people would have given up on her years ago and gotten rid of her or put her down. But we never gave up on her. We knew that she was a sweet girl and it was our responsibility to manage her temperament. I don't have any regrets about that.
I miss Laney too because our boys loved her. They love both of our dogs, but particularly Laney in the past few months since she's been in our living space a lot more and they've been able to love on her. She was always gentle with our boys, and quite tolerant of their poking a prodding. She could also be naughty by pilfering table food while the boys ate, which of course I wasn't particularly fond of, but definitely aligned with her personality.
We tried to go to church like we do every Sunday morning, but when we got there I just couldn't get out of the car. I needed to grieve and didn't want to do it while sitting in church service. Andy took the boys into their classes and came back out to be with me. We talked through our grief and what we were feeling, what we remembered and missed about Laney, and what we would do with her body. Andy had intended to take her up to the mountains himself and bury her, but I decided I wanted to take a family hike, with Tsali too, and give her a farewell. So, we went back in and got the boys out of class and headed home to get ready. I am so grateful that Andy gathered up Laney and a few of her things to prepare her to be buried, I can't even imagine what that would be like. We placed her in the back of the car, grabbed some snacks and water and headed to the mountains.
The ironic thing is that Laney was often difficult to care for in life, and so it was in death. As morbid as it sounds, we had to buy a shovel on the way to the mountains and by the third store we still were unsuccessful. In fact, I broke down crying to a complete stranger in REI who had his service dog with him, and it turns out he owns four pit bulls and was so kind to me in my grief. I will always remember him. Leaving empty handed, we went to one last store and finally found a shovel. Really, could this day be any harder?
We drove to Mount Falcon, where we took our first hike back in August when we arrived in Colorado. It was a beautiful sunny day, but terribly windy. Andy went ahead of me and boys with Tsali and Laney to hike off a trail and find a good spot for Laney. There is this picnic shelter that is a short hike from the parking area and it has a beautiful overlook, so Andy went down the hill from the shelter and the boys and I hiked in and waited for him. We wanted a place that we could go hiking and "overlook" to visit Laney if we wanted to. At first I was kind of angry that it was so windy, because it made it hard for the boys to be out there (it was almost strong enough to knock Judah over) and I wanted to hang out for a while when Andy and Tsali came back up, but I knew we would have to leave as soon as Andy finished. In retrospect, I realize the wind was a blessing because it forced us to say a quick goodbye and head back down the trail to go home. When Andy and Tsali arrived, we all stood as a family overlooking the trees where Laney lay beneath now, and in the howling wind we yelled as loud as we could "Goodbye Laney!!", Gabriel, Andy and me. This was actually Gabriel's idea and I loved it. We packed up and headed back to the car. It was surreal to drive off the mountain with one less family member.
With Judah, ignorance is bliss, but with Gabriel we have tried to be truthful but gentle in explaining Laney's death. He knew that she was sick and would never get better, but when she actually died it was hard for him to understand that he wouldn't see her anymore. After we buried her in the mountains, he didn't understand why we weren't bringing her home. This of course makes our grief harder, especially when he said "I wish Laney would go to heaven so we could see her again one day." Oy.
It was hard to come back into the house without Laney, to realize she would never roam this house again, to see her empty spot on the floor in our bedroom. We had a quiet night with the boys, made it through dinner and bedtime with them. Andy went out to grab us a quick dinner and a bottle of wine. I wanted to look through old photo albums and remember our sweet girl, I thought it would be cathartic, and it was. We enjoyed re-telling some of the crazy stories about Laney, crying together as we missed our first "baby".
I don't know how long it will take to get used to not having her here, and maybe you think it's silly that I have dedicated this long entry to a dog, but she truly was a part of our family in good and in bad and I wanted to record this event for our family. Below, I have included some of our favorite shots of "Boo".
We love you and we miss you Laney, our life would not have been the same without you and will not be the same now that you are gone. Love: Mommy, Daddy, Gabriel, Judah + Tsali.
